NHL Playoff Predictions: The Director's Cut

Since I’m writing this offline (*koff*atwork*koff*), here’s hoping the internets at home works long enough for me to upload this before the quarterfinals are over. Below are my predictions for all eight series in round one. I’ll also include my predictions for the rest of the playoffs with the caveat I get to modify them before every subsequent round. If you’ve ever seen my March Madness brackets, you’d understand why.

Western Conference (aka the only one that matters)

(1) San Jose Sharks vs. (8) Colorado Avalanche

As much as I’d love to see the Sharks do their usual April lemming-like jump off a cliff, I don’t think it’ll happen this year. The Avs have looked pretty bad after the Olympic break and would not have even squeaked in if not for their overachieving first half of the season. Craig Anderson has been playing like a goalie taxed with #1 minutes for the first time. Joe Thornton actually will score a goal. Sharks in five.

  

(2) Chicago Blackhawks vs. (7) Nashville Predators

On paper this looks like an easy series for the Hawks. Being a life long Chicago sports fan, I doubt it will in reality. As long as the Hawks don’t start anticipating a rematch between the Cannucks and/or Scum, I think they’ll be ok. This will be Niemi’s first test as *the man* - I hope he can handle it between the ears. Since Patrick Kane’s going to be rocking a sexy mullet for the playoffs, here’s hoping the Nashville women don’t kidnap him in lust. Hopefully Pekka Rinne won’t stand on his head too often and the Preds don’t score at home. There’s a passage in the Bible against playing country music as a goal song. I’m serious. Hawks in six.

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (6) LA Kings

I almost went with the Kings here, and if there is going to be a major upset in this round, this would be my pick. Still, the Kings haven’t been exactly setting the world on fire lately. I would expect Thing 1 and Thing 2 to be their usual creepy scoring machine selves. But if Jonathan Quick can stand on his head and Bobby Lou continues to have a five hole bigger than British Columbia, this series could surprise a lot of people. If the Canucks lose, expect Luongo’s tears to flood the streets of Vancouver. I don’t think that’s going to happen though – Barely. Canucks in seven.

(4) Phoenix Coyotes vs. (5) Detroit Red Wings

Everyone and their grandmother is picking the Red Wings. I am not. I’ll be honest – I’m picking the Yotes because a) I hate the Red Wings b) I want the Phoenix fans to THROW THE SNAKE c) I feel bad that the Coyotes might eventually be bought by the dickwad who owns the Bulls and White Sox and finally d) I Hate The Red Wings. So, if the Yotes go out quick, I really won’t be surprised. Coyotes in seven.

Eastern Conference (aka we’re special because we’re the only teams ESPN cares about)

(1) Washington Capitals vs. (8) Montreal Canadiens

Nothing would please me more than the Crapitals and Baby Huey crashing and burning in the first round. Unfortunately, I think their talent simply will overwhelm the Habs. The Caps also have a less than desirable goaltending situation, and if Theodore and Varlamov have issues, there’s a hint of an upset. Still, if Montreal scores 5, chances are the Caps are going to score 6. Capitals in six.

(2) New Jersey Devils vs. (7) Philadelphia Flyers

I think this series has the potential for goonery – those teams from Philadelphia love to stoop down to the level of their fans. Is this Marty Brodeur’s swan song? Not in this round. Devils in seven.

(3) Buffalo Sabers vs. (6) Boston Bruins

This is my only real upset - unless you count the Coyotes, but technically they’re the higher seed. I will always have love for Ryan Miller and his efforts in the Olympics. But I just have a feeling about the Bruins. They’re probably my second favorite Original Six team – just cause. Bruins in seven.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (5) Ottawa Senators

Pittsburgh will win as it is mandated in NBC’s contract with the NHL. Seriously though, even though the Pens have been playing like poo lately, I think they’ll turn it on for the playoffs. I don’t think the Sens can match their offense. Sens, Pens – it rhymes! Penguins in six.

My Other Predictions

Semi-Finals:

Sharks vs. Coyotes – Sharks in six.

Hawks vs. Canucks – Hawks in six (get the Kleenex ready!)

Capitals vs. Bruins – Bruins in seven (Secret fantasy: Marc Savard comes back and slew foots Ovie)

Devils vs. Penguins – Penguins in five.

Conference Finals:

Sharks vs. Hawks – Hawks in six

Penguins vs. Bruins – Penguins in five.

Stanley Cup Final:

Hawks vs. Penguins – Hawks in seven (!!!)

I know I’m being a total homer by picking the Hawks (and I secretly am picking the Penguins to enact revenge for 1992). But honestly, if the Hawks can play like they did in the first half of the year, be consistent, get the power play back on track, get Campbell healthy and have no further injuries, and lastly have Niemi play like he has in April, there’s no reason why they can’t win in all. That, my friends was a run on sentence.

And if it happens, I am going to get sooooo wasted. Oh I’ll cry too. Probably weep.

Let the games begin!