Sweating My Arse off for a Taste of Victory

First off let me just say, if a Chicago sports team ever wins another championship I care about (Sox and Bulls need not apply) my ass is going to be watching it from the comfort of my own home. That being said, I have no regrets about attending the Blackhawks victory parade downtown on Friday. It was worth it, especially since I wouldn't be surprised if there's never another one for the rest of my days.

I had thought many moons ago (against my better judgment) that if the Hawks ended up winning this thing, come hell or high water, I was attending whatever victory celebration the team would put together. I told my boss at the start of the Finals this (I started it by saying, "Because I'm superstitious, I'm only going to say this once..."), and bless his heart he was cool with me skipping work. He even started watching the games for the first time ever because of me. Luckily the hockey gods were smiling because I had requested Friday off months ago as my cousin was getting married that night.

My brother met us at my apartment a little after 7, and after a quick trip through the McDonald's drive through for caffeine and sustenance, we were on the Brown Line into downtown. We arrived downtown around 8:30 and made our way toward the stage where the rally would be held. The city was already teeming with people and the streets for the parade route were already shut down. If I had to work downtown that day, you know my ass would have taken a PTO day regardless of whether I was a hockey fan or not.

We ended up on Michigan Avenue, probably about half a block from the stage. The photo above was taken near the stage - I have so artfully indicated approximately where we standing. We could have probably gotten a bit closer, but we decided to stand on the curb as it would give us a slight height advantage and also give us the opportunity to sit if we needed to. It ended up being more of a curse than a blessing - folks were constantly trying to get closer to the stage and walking alongside the curb. This really neat time lapse video of the area shows you what I mean - watch the stream of people trying to get close to the stage long after the area filled - that is what we dealt with.



Luckily I had decided to use the bathroom shortly after we got there. By using the bathroom, I mean porta-potty. I headed to a row of them on Lake Street, and while waiting in line, I witnessed a man enter one, and exit it immediately with a sour look on his face mumbling something about "shit" and "barf." At that point I considered finding a Walgreen's for Depends, but a nice lady walked by and said there were more around the corner. Thankfully those were passable - and by that I mean I could breathe and there was toilet paper and hand sanitizer available. I shudder to think what they looked like several hours later - I think I would have gone in my pants. It's not like anyone would have noticed anyway since anyone with sweat glands looked like they just took a shower.

Poor Amy didn't last more than 90 minutes. She is claustrophobic *and* short, and the constant stream of people pushing us around didn't help. She sat on the curb for awhile which only resulted in many people almost stepping on her. She did manage to clear out an area around her by shouting a few times "Get the fuck away from me or I *will* vomit on you!" Once the sun came out from around the buildings it was all over for her. I felt really bad, but she ended up walking around for the duration of the parade instead and watching people which I know she enjoys. Tell me this isn't funny: 2 million people are at this thing, and she ends up running into both my uncle and my cousin. They managed to sneak away from preparing for my cousin's wedding (that's my uncle's daughter) to watch the parade. Too funny.

The parade of course started late - it was supposed to start at 10:30 but didn't end up getting rolling until 11. The buses didn't make its way to us until after 11:30. In the meantime, we witnessed:

- A guy behind us pissing in a cup, and my brother telling him to remember which cup was the beer and which was the pee.
- A drunk 15 year old (no, he really was that young) plowing into me. I pushed him and his friends carried him off. I yelled something to the effect of "get his ass out of here because I don't want to be downwind of the vomit shower!"
- For a short while, two guys were hanging out the window of a nearby building and the crowd entertained themselves by throwing things at them. This included water bottles (both empty and full), beer cans and tennis balls.
- A loud cheer when a USPS truck drove by - yes, we were bored.
- Endless Cubs vs. Sox debate by the drunkards around us. Take that shit to Wrigley - this is a Hawks rally. I hate to inform you - both teams are *terrible* this year.
- Way too many small children there - it was way too crowded, hot and full of drunk assholes for that to be safe for any child. I think I now understand why my mom didn't take me to the Bears parade when I was 9.
- A fire truck and Salvation Army truck came by to throw water bottles out to the crowd. I was hoping they'd turn the water hose on as it was creeping into the upper 80s. One shirtless small child on somebody's shoulders grabbed a bottle, sprayed the crowd with it (to many cheers) and whipped both the bottle and cap into said crowd. Ouch.
- Speaking of water, we had the forsight to bring a six pack of water which kept us all hydrated. I ended up making $3 from it as well as a very drunk and dehydrated man gave it to me for my half drunk bottle.

By 10, I had peeled off my Toews jersey (it went out with a bang before its post playoff washing), put on a hat and used a 2009 red Hawks towel shepherds' style. Sorry no pictures - I was a mess. Finally, finally the procession arrived. I had given my camera with the zoom lens to my brother. He's 6'2" and had a much better site line than I. Here are the best pictures he took:

[I love you Nemo! Please fit under the cap - I want to buy your jersey.]

[Soupy and Buff with the championship belt they passed around - he'd give it to Kane later]

[Burr]

[Dunc and Seabs]

[You can clearly see the Cup and Toews contemplating the Conn Smythe. Oh and Kane drinking - I don't think he's stopped since Wednesday. The boy is going to need a liver transplant by training camp]

After the buses made its way to the stage more people flooded the area where the buses had just driven through. At this point we had stood there for four hours, we were hot and irritated and couldn't see or hear anything from the rally. Since we were able to see the players and the Cup drive by, we considered that a victory and left. Not before hearing Mayor Daley get a resounding Booing from the crowd when he gave a speech. God, I hope that idiot *finally* gets voted out. Toews for Mayor!

We met Amy up at Daley Plaza and ended up watching the rest of the rally on the CBS 2 big screen. They had no sound as there was an official World Cup kickoff celebration in the Plaza (errr...bad timing!). There were a lot of close captioning funnies (especially many of the spellings of the players' names) that I wish I would have thought to take pictures of. Afterward we made a mad dash to the train and managed to snag a seat before the deluge of hot, drunken idiots stuffed the L cars. Once home I ate and showered - I was too hyper to nap though.

All in all an once-in-a-lifetime experience. I swear to God though, I *will* touch the Cup before the summer is up - even if I have to sell a bodily organ for it.

Before I go, one last amusing picture:

Boy, I bet that kid was roasting in that helmet! If you'd like to see more pictures of the parade, you can check out my set on Flickr /shamless plug.