Pass the Pigskin

When I don't have to turn the a/c on for several days in a row, when I see surly teenagers walking to the local high school, when I begrudgingly have to remember where the hell I put my hoodies, this can only mean one thing: IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON.

The Chicago Bears have a rare gift in this city - they're truly the only team in Chicago that the whole city is united for. Sure, the Blackhawks were hot shit this year, but half the folks in their Byfuglien jerseys (haaaaaaaa...suckers!) probably thought icing was what you put on a cupcake two years ago. Notwithstanding, hockey still has nowhere near the number of fans of the other "Big Three" sports in this country. The Bulls? The 90's were great in the Jordan/Pippen/Jackson era (hell, even *I* watched the NBA playoffs then), but when MJ left, so did the Bulls hold on the city. Cubs/Sox? I'm surprised they don't ask on birth certificates in Chicagoland which team has your alligence. Nothing divides this city like bickering between fans of the two teams. The Bears have always been *the* team in Chicago. The waiting list for season tickets is decades long, people fight over who inherits them in wills (seriously) and no matter how bad the team sucks, Solider Field will be full come December when the windchill is 20 below zero and a handful of men will paint their chest orange and navy and go shirtless. And then they will have frostbitten boobies. I was in 5th grade during the illustrious 1985 Super Bowl season, and this city went bat shit crazy. Nothing could ever top the feeling and excitement - unless of course if the Cubs ever win it all, and I think Chicago will just burn to the ground if that ever happens. I think part of the reason the city was so caught up in it was it was Chicago's first championship since the Bears won it all in 1963 - and there wasn't even a Super Bowl then. Decades of pent up frustration came out that year - it was one big party from September to January. People from that team are revered as saints in Chicago - I mean if Mike Ditka decided to run for Mayor, he'd win in a landslide. Actually my pipe dream would be a Ditka-Oprah mayoral race. Now that would be fun!

My class did a rendition of the Super Bowl Shuffle. I was Mike Richardson. That should tell you how popular I was :P


I don't have very high hopes for this season. The offensive line is just, well, offensive and I wouldn't be surprised if Jay Cutler is in traction by the bye week. The secondary looks to suck as bad as last year and I think the defense as a whole is overrated. The Bears made a big splash by signing defensive lineman Julius Peppers, but what good is he if the supporting cast is marginal? It appears Bears management is hoping that one big free agent signing will distract everyone from the fact that they didn't upgrade any of the positions that made last year's team stink to high heaven. Which is why I think they will also suck this season. The silver lining is that if the Bears are who we thought they were, then Lovie Smith and all his buddies he hired will be out the door. At least he better - I think he's a terrible head coach and always looks like he's sucking a lemon on the sideline. At times I wonder if he even has a pulse when he coaches. But then again the McCaskeys are one of the worst football owners in the league (poor Papa Bear has probably spun in his grave all the way to China by now), so they'd probably reward him with a contract extension.

Anyway, just for kicks, here's my week-by-week predictions for the Bears' 2010 season:

Week 1 vs. Detroit Lions
The Bears should beat the Lions. Hell, most Pop Warner teams should. If they don't, expect the Bear faithful to be finding the matches to burn Lovie in effigy.
Prediction: Win


Week 2 @ Dallas Cowboys
I hate the Cowboys and Jerry Jones. I will hate them even more because they're going to kill us.
Prediction: Loss


Week 3 vs. Green Bay Packers
I don't think there is a sporting team I hate more than the Packers. The Red Wings, Cardinals, Vikings and White Sox come close, but I always feel like vomiting when I see the green and gold. As much as it pains me to say it, the Packers look pretty damn good this year, and thus the Bears will get trounced. This will cause me to be depressed all week.
Prediction: Loss

Week 4 @ NY Giants
It'll be nice to see the new Giants Stadium. It will not be nice to watch this game.
Prediction: Loss

Week 5 @ Carolina Panthers
Oh look, a mediocre team!
Prediction: Win


Week 6 vs. Seattle Seahawks
I don't think the Seahawks are going to be that good this year. Which means we'll get by in a squeaker.
Prediction: Win


Week 7 vs. Washington Redskins
The Redskins have historically given us trouble, no matter which team looks better on paper. You don't think local boy Donovan McNabb is not going to want to put on a show with his new team? I do.
Prediction: Loss

Week 8 - Bye Week
My hope is we'd say "bye" to the coaching staff this week, but unless we're 0-7 at this point, I doubt that will happen.

Week 9 @ Buffalo Bills
This is the game in Toronto I'd love to go to. But driving to Canada in November? No thanks.
Prediction: Win

Week 10 vs. Minnesota Vikings
I fucking hate the Vikings
Prediction: Loss

Week 11 @ Miami Dophins
Beware of teams in teal and orange!
Prediction: Loss

Week 12 vs. Philadelphia
I think this will be the one "upset" of the season. It's always fun to screw with the Philly faithful!
Prediction: Win


Week 13 at Detroit Lions
And we'll follow up that upset win with a demoralizing loss. It's at this point I will be glad we're a month into the hockey season.
Prediction: Loss

Week 14 vs. New England
I hate Tom Brady too. Shipoopi!
Prediction: Loss

Week 15 @ Minnesota Vikings
But I really fucking hate Brett Favre. Does it make me an asshole if I hope his ankle falls off?
Prediction: Loss

Week 16 vs. NY Jets
J!E!T!S!
Prediction: Loss

Week 17 @ Green Bay Packers
The Packers will be going to the playoffs, and thus rest most of their starters. Therefore, we'll win. Barely.
Prediction: Win


2010 Season Record: 6-10
For Shits & Giggles, Super Bowl XXLKFJIWG Winner: Baltimore Ravens

You might read this and doubt my commitment to the Monsters of the Midway. Make no mistake - even though I am extremely pessimistic about our chances, I will cheer the Bears on relentlessly. I'll wear the team colors on gameday, turn the TV sound down and the radio sound up, and hoot and clap when the Bears make a good play and swear and yell when they don't - just like my dad taught me. This is why Amy joins the other football widows at Target on Sundays from September - December.

Oh, but I won't be watching tomorrow's game - at least not live. I've got tickets to see a Blackhawks Alumni vs. Chicago Police/Firefighters Charity Softball game. Should be fun! But don't worry, I'll have the DVR set and be keeping tabs of the scores with my phone.